I Believe I Can Fly

I think too many people let their lives get out of control. My life has been out of control for the past few months. Not out of control to an extreme where I’m making completely reckless decisions, but out of control in the sense that I’m getting too caught up in things that don’t matter. It’s so easy to get lost in the bullshit of boys, going out, drinking, what other people think, etc., etc.. Sometimes you just need to slow down, reflect on your goals, and look at what you’ve been doing to accomplish them. Well, I’ve gotten to a point where I need to refocus on what matters, and the things that I care about. In the grand scheme of things, most of the stuff I worry about is so insignificant.

I came to this city with a plan. Not a specific plan, but a general plan. That plan was to make a difference. Now, I know I’m not gonna save the world, or the city of New Orleans, but I would like to save someone. I just want to make someone else realize their own happiness, and that life’s problems are all part of a beautiful struggle. I don’t care how I make this happen. If it be through my volunteer work, my paid work, whatever. I just want other people to be happy.

I feel like I’m beginning to make a difference in my volunteer work. I went roller skating with my kids last week and I really think they enjoyed the fact that I was there. Neither of them knew how to roller skate so I went around the rink once with each of them holding their hands. They’re just such fun loving, intelligent children and I hope they can get through this whole situation. I’d share more, but of course there are privacy matters. It’s just crazy to think how your childhood affects you for the rest of your life. I think about my life, and all the messed up nonsense that I’ve been through, and how it’s affected my mentality and perspective of the world. At the age of 23 I’m still working through things that happened so long ago, and I know I’m going to continue to work through these things for a very long time. It just pains me to look at these children and realize that when they’re my age and older their going to be trying to make sense of all the drama that happened in their lives when they were 9 and 11. And it makes me angry that parents can’t realize that they’re setting their kids up for a life long battle.

Anyway, I start a new job next week. I’m going to an Assistant Teacher at a day care center. Now, this isn’t exactly what I want to be doing but I certainly think I will be getting some fulfillment. I do love working with children and they have a certain way of putting a smile on your face and making you forget about the drama of life. There are only 5 teachers, 2 of them lead teachers, and 3 assistants. As of now, I’ll be working with infants and 1 year olds. I kind of wanted to work with the older ones, but I think I will enjoy the babies. Since there are only 5 teachers, there is going to be a lot of room for creativity and individual input. The vibe I get from the director and other employees is that we’re all going to be working together to figure things out. I like this. It’s like a family.

Oh yeah, I went to the doctor about a week and a half ago to get a health form filled out for this new job and I figured I would talk to him about my anxiety. I’ve just been getting progressively spastic and restless. It was getting to a point where I felt like it was affecting my life. One day at work, I went from being super happy and then I started thinking too much and stressing out. I became all sad and quiet and had this nervous feeling and I just really wanted to go home. So I’m in the kitchen and I drop this giant container of sauce and it spills everywhere. One of the cooks asks me if I need a hug, he hugs me, and then I run to the storage room and start crying. Not balling crying, but tears. I wasn’t upset about the sauce, the sauce just a reflection of what was happening in my head. It was an explosion of all the thoughts, the cherry on top of my anxiety sundae. So this was the point when I decided I needed to talk to a doc. So he gave me a speech about how he believes a lot of this stuff is mind body and what not. He wrote me a prescription for hydroxyzine and sent me on my way. I take the pills when I work but that’s about it. I really took to heart what he said, and it was kind of an eye opener that I need to make some changes. I’m happy to be starting this new job, because I am definitely someone that needs routine. The whole restaurant worker schedule will make you crazy. It also made me realize, as I mentioned in the beginning, that I need to gain better control of my life. Also, it made me reflect. I wanted to make sense of why I’m having this anxiety, and why now, in New Orleans, it’s at a point where I think I need medication. I believe it to be the culture change. I know I’m still in America, but coming from fast paced DC type shit, to like the most chillest and laid back city of all time, is just hard to handle. It’s what I love about this city, but my mind still works in DC/Maryland mode, and my mind overflows or something.

Now I know I mentioned that boys are part of the bullshit earlier, but I need to talk about it. I was talking to Ellen last night and we were discussing all this boy nonsense. The world of dating is crazy. I’ve talked to probably close to 10 guys in the past few months and not a single one had any potential. Maybe I write people off to fast, but I don’t have time to waste with silly shit. Maybe I’m tooting my own horn, but I think I’m pretty normal and I have a pretty good idea of the rules and procedures to dating. I’m finding it impossible to find a guy that understands this as well. From the men I’ve talked to recently, it’s either too little or too much. They’re either sketchy and flaky or way too into you. Where can I find someone in the middle? Am I crazy? And to the boys out there, you need to call, you need to plan the first date, and you need to be the one chasing us. Just don’t chase too hard. Also, to the girls out there, nothing to do with dating, don’t be fucking crazy. It’s not all about you, be ok with other girls getting attention, and don’t be complete whores.

To everyone: Be happy with other people’s happiness. Strive to make yourself a better person. Try to be nice, and not make other people feel insecure with who they are. Lastly, just laugh at the negative, and the awkward(I have a lot of that in my life.). Life’s too short.

My apologies for venting.

I’d also like to announce that I’ve made monumental steps in my life. I think I’m finally over that one guy. You should all know who I’m talking about, unless you don’t know me that well, which in that case, you would have no idea. Anyway, I’ve spent many years (about 3) wasting time with guys that didn’t deserve me. I knew they sucked, but I suppose I thought I couldn’t do any better. I’m done with all that, and I mean it. I know what I want, I know what I need, and I know what I deserve. Ok, so maybe I don’t know exactly what I want and need but I do know how I want, need, and deserve to be treated. I’d like all my girlfriends and sisters to know this as well. The reason so many men suck is cause women let them suck. But enough with men, time to refocus!!!!!!!!!